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Name: Marc
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Santa Rosa
Birthday: 9/1/1986


Interests: Thinking.
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Member Since: 5/14/2003

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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Blood Donation (Submission Draft) 
 

Writer: Marc Balderama 

Director: 

Cast: 

Characters: Narrator, Burma, Licia, Receptionist, Rocky, “Director” (Edwin), Director’s Mom, Glaring Extras, Lead Singer 

Setting: A make-shift, blood donation facility. 

Props: table, chair, bed or recliner, 2 clipboards, 2 pens, fake forms, fake cannula, tourniquet, collection bag, lollipop, tape. 

Set-up: Stage separated in three. Burma scene in the center with Burma holding a clipboard. Receptionist scene off to the side with table, clipboard, pen, and forms. Rocky scene on the other side with bed, cannula, tourniquet, collection bag, and the same forms from the Receptionist scene. All the while the Narrator, the Director, and the Director’s Mom are off-stage with a micro-phone. 

Notes: Licia is sarcastic and tired emotionally. Burma is energetic and bubbly one moment and strong and willful the next. Burma preferably should have a strong singing voice. Receptionist and Rocky are “standardly” polite. Director must have a distinctly different voice from the narrator. Narrator talks stereotypically "white." Director's Mom has a bad, afflicted Tagalog accent. I mean REALLY bad. Yes, the alternate ending is a musical number. 

 

Narrator: [Off-stage] Hello everyone. I will be your narrator for today, and I would like to narrate a story about my good friend Licia. It was 5PM when Licia got off of class. Eager to go home, Licia suddenly heard...

 

Licia walks quickly past Burma.

 

Burma: Hey Licia!

 

While Licia walks slowly toward Burma, the Narrator speaks.

 

Narrator: Burma was one of those usual acquaintances to Licia. Burma seemed nice enough to have a conversation with every now and again, yet simply not at all Licia's type of person.

 

Licia: [Reluctantly] Oh. Hey Burma. How's it going?

 

Burma: Nothin' much. Just trying to find people to donate blood today. Would you like to donate yourself?

 

Licia: Oooo. You know what? I'd LOVE to, but I just remembered that today is Tuesday a-and Tuuuuuseday is the day that I operate heavy machinery. Yeah. And if I give blood, I won't be able to operate the...heavy machinery and that will throw me out of the loop for the rest of the week. [Exhales]

 

Burma: [Initially soft and then gradually gets angrier and louder] Oh? Umm...listen... It’s just. It’s just that there are people out there who need blood. People who have anemia. People who get stabbed. And there are LITTLE BOYS AND LITTLE GIRLS in Africa who don't have their FREEDOMS! They don't have it! And you're telling ME that you're content with doing what every cliché, cookie-cutter, conformist, college student does by operating HEAVY MACHINERY!?

 

Burma sings while pointing finger while extras pass by and stares at Licia who stares back uncomfortably.

 

Burma: You think you own whatever land you land on/The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim/But I know every rock and tree and creature/Has a life, has a spirit, has a name/Hoooow HIGH...

 

Licia: [Interrupts] Ok, ok, ok. Ooookay. I'll do it.

 

Burma: Oh my God, Licia, you are soooo sweet! [Hugs Licia then returns] You are doing a great service by donating blood today. This is going to be so much fun. Just make your way over there to start your journey!

 

Licia: [Sarcastically] Awesome.

 

Licia walks over to the receptionist's desk.

 

Narrator: From this point on, Licia embarks her noble and majestic quest.

 
 

Receptionist: Hello. Are you here to donate?

 

Licia looks over to Burma who does a small wave at Licia.

 

Licia: [Ironic] Yep. Can't wait.

 

Receptionist: Great! Just go over there and fill out these forms. [Hands the clipboard and pen over to Licia] And when you're done, just hand them back to me. Oh, I'd like to say that you are doing a great service by donating blood today.

 

Licia: Aren't I?

 

Licia walks over to the chair and plops right down.

 

Narrator: At first the questions seemed standard enough. Name. Address. Birthday. But then the questions the form asked started sounds a bit funky. The form asked things like...

 

Licia: [Reading off from the clipboard] Have you traveled anywhere outside the United States/Canada in the past 3 years?

 

Narrator: and.

 

Licia: Have you engaged in sexual relations with a person with HIV/AIDS in the last 12 weeks?

 

Narrator: and [slightly louder that the first "and"].

 

Licia: HAVE you engaged in sexual relations with a homosexual man after 1977?

 

Narrator: and it went on like that, exactly like that for five pages. [Licia flips through the papers]

 

Licia looks to the receptionist with disdain. The receptionist looks busy and complacent. Then gets up from the chair while exhaling. She walks to the Receptionist's desk and tosses the clipboard at the receptionist.

 

Licia: [Annoyed] I get what you guys are doing. Okay, I admit it. I'm a virgin. Will MY being a virgin “speed” up the process? [Does the wheels turning gesture with fingers]

 

Receptionist: [Pauses] Uhhh... [Looks and shuffles forms on desk nervously] Yes. Yes it does. [Surprised]

 

Licia: Cool. So what now?

 

Receptionist points toward Rocky with a shaking hand.

 
 

Rocky: [Warmly] Hello.

 

Licia: [Unenthusiastically] Sup?

 

Rocky: So your name is Licia?

 

Licia: Apparently.

 

Rocky: Well, I'd like to say that you are doing a great service by...

 

Licia: [Interrupts] Yeah, yeah. Let's…be done with this. All rite?

 

Rocky: Super. [Gestures to bed]

 

Licia: Here?

 

Licia lies down while rocky puts in the needle in Licia's arm.

While Licia gets her blood drawn, “the director” starts talking. Eventually Rocky, the only person who can hear the director, makes surprised and angry faces as if he's breaking character and reacting to the director's comments.

 

Director: [Off-stage] Hello. Welcome to the DVD commentary of this play. I’m the director of this piece crap. Couldn’t actually get this damn thing on an actual DVD. You'd think that with all these pretentious college kids with their fancy pants laptops at least one would be willing to help me by burning this on a DVD. But no.

 

So "sorry" for being so late about this whole commentary thing. I would have started talking earlier, but honestly...who listens these director commentaries anyway? Drr, Nerds.

 

Already I'm already running out things to talk about. Ugh. Guess I'll talk about the actors which I CAST MYSELF. Thanks "a lot" [Insert FILAH member name].

 

There's Licia who’s being played by _____. Now I know that _____ doesn’t look bloated, but I specifically wanted to cast an actress who really gave off the vibe of constantly BEING bloated.

 

And the nurse! The VERY male nurse. Rocky. Played by _____. Again, the image was everything. And for a male nurse, ____ had this image. There's something about his full and effeminate lips that just screams out “male nurse.” I mean, come on. If I saw _____ randomly on the street, the very first thing I would think is that this is a person that gave up his dream to be a doctor because it was "oh so hard" and is willing, nay, wanting to be stripped of his masculinity and dignity to be in an occupational field that is commonly thought to be filled predominantly by over-lactating spinsters. THAT’S what this guy looks like.

 

Rocky: HEY!!!

 

Licia: What?

 

Rocky: Did you hear that? [Rocky breaks the 4th wall, walks to toward the audience, and talks to them] Did ya’ll hear that?

 

In the background, Licia looks at the audience as well and gestures "no." After the audience presumably says no, Rocky and Licia go back.

 

Narrator: Trying not to focus on her arm, Licia started wondering about the person who will receive her blood.

 

Director: Hey, hey, wait. Who’re you?

 

Narrator: Uhh. I am the narrator. Who are YOU?

 

Director: I'm the DI-REC-TOR. Have you NOT been listening to my little schpeal just then?

 

Narrator: Actually...no. I-I...don't really listen. I mainly talk. We narrators, we tend to...TALK.

 

Few seconds of silence.

 

Director's Mom: Hoy, Edwin! Shhht! Your Lola's here. Come here and bless your Lola.

 

Narrator: Now, who is that!?

 

Director: It's my mom. [Starts yelling] Jesus, mom! I'm doing a director's commentary here. I'm doing art. Do you know what ART is? YOU are effectively RUINING art!

 

Director's Mom: [Light crying] Why, why do you always yell at me!? I take care ob you, always. I pay por your classes and wash your dirty clothes and you are not tankpul por dese tings. [Ten seconds of crying] Eat now, dere's adobo in de kitchen.

 

Director: Agggggh, dammit. I should probably go. Hey you. Wanna come?

 

Narrator: Sure! Anything for A-dough-bough. Just give me a second. [Clears throat] And then Licia was done with her effervescent donation.

 
 

Rocky takes out the needle and starts organizing everything.

 

Rocky: Finally. Now, that didn't hurt so much, now did it?

 

Licia: [Getting up and looking delirious] You know. Whenever someone sticks a needle in me and then removes it, they always, always ask [mockingly but not over the top] "Now, that didn't hurt so much, now did it?" To which I always reply "Yes! Yes it did hurt so much." Don't you realize that all those people who've said "no" had the common courtesy to LIE to you, but were as equally annoyed as I an right now!? When you stick a sharp things into peoples’ skin, it hurts. We are biologically disposed to not want things violently penetrated into our bodies. Especially, us women. So please do me, the other donors, and the entire world a favor and stop asking that God-awful question. Stop it right NOW!

 

Licia starts walking away.

 

Rocky: [Sullen] So, I guess you won't be wanting your free lollipop then? [Holding up lollipop]

 

Licia turns around. Pauses. Then slightly leans towards Rocky with hand forward then quickly turns back away, saying.

 

Licia: [Mutters to herself] Ah, fuck you, you lactating spinster.

 

Rocky: Oh what was that?

 

Licia: I said "Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey."

 

Licia walks away again.

 
 

Optional Alternate Ending:

 

Rocky: Hey, I didn’t know you were into that song. Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey.

 

Licia pauses.

 

Licia: [Looks surprised and delighted] Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey.

 

Rocky: Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey.

 

Licia and Rocky: [In unison] It was a blood bath!

 

“Blood Banks are Run by Bureaucratic Vampires”

In the style of 80s funk songs ala The Gap Band or The Bar-kays.

 

Whole cast joins in

 

Hey yeah yeah hey!

It was blood bath

Hey yeah yeah hey!

 

Lead singer with gaudy, tacky performance clothes joins in

 

They’re a v’ry peculiar sort I’m glad t’say

They spend each waking night to look for prey

These people just don’t like hot gals or guys

What really turns 'em on is blood in their eyes!

 

So watch out they’re comin’ for your arteries

All that liquid pouring out just fills them with glee

The only known full proof way to keep ‘em away

Is to donate 3 pints of blood ever-ry-day!

 

It was a blood bath

Hey yeah yeah hey!

It was blood bath

Hey yeah yeah hey!

 

A vampire's wet dream

It was a blood bath


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Asian Pacific Culture Week Videos = Ham

Explanation for this is coming soon or never. I would just like people to know that this is probably the greatest thing I've ever made during college period.














Other videos can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/tristanjao
P.S. Sorry, I've been ignoring this blog so much! I've been BALLS busy here in Davis. KB Magazine editor for Filipinos in Liberal Arts & Humanities, Publicity Chair for Asian Pacific Culture Week, Performer for Pilipino Culture Night, Staff Writer for Vent Magazine. It's totes ridic.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Jesus fucking Christ. When will life ever afford me enough time to just sit down and blog! ARRRRG!

In the mean time, I'll give you guys a solid commentary on the differences in coolness between Black people and White people.
boombox2


Sunday, August 10, 2008

If you were writing your own obituary, what would you want it to say?

I have trouble deciding between these two.

Here' lies Marc Erickson Rodriguez Balderama.
He died doing what he loved: contracting syphilis.


or

Here' lies Marc Erickson Rodriguez Balderama.
He died doing what he loved: being gang-raped by pirates.


There's just so many ways to die, it's so hard choosing just one!
Gotta make a plan and stick with it. ^_^

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!


Friday, August 08, 2008

A short scene about togetherness

Philip and Carmen

Philip and Carmen stand looking at one another, absolutely locked in each others gaze. Rayner, dressed all in black, stands closely at their sides, at Philip's right and at Carmen's left. Both Philip and Carmen for most of the scene ignore Rayner while Rayner tries to politely interrupt the both of them.

Philip: You're going to grow up to be an old, lonely spinster. You know?

Carmen: What makes you think that?

Rayner: Can please we move on? People are watching.

Philip: It's blatantly obvious. Remember when we first met and I said "Nice to meet you?" Well, I lied.

Rayner: Uhh. What's happening?

Carmen: Ooo. Big words from Mr. [waves arms mockingly] "I don't want to work. I don't want to meet new people and make new friends. I just want to stay at home in my room with my photoshoped jpegs of Mylie Cyrus!"

Philip: Well, I'd photoshop you. If it weren't for the fact that you can't photoshop away ugly.

Carmen: You're just mad because my vagina is bigger than yours'.

Rayner: OKAY!! I....

Philip: Your vagina wouldn't be so big if you didn't feel the insane desire to RE-use tampons.

Carmen: Better to do that than to spend every, single day locked in the bathroom to do [air-quotes] "self-performed, 2-hour, prostate exams." So don't think that I don't know where all the lotion is going.

Philip: Can you speak a little louder? I couldn't exactly hear you over the sound of you contracting diabetes. Don't you realize that, the way in which you contract diabetes is at such a high magnitude that, beyond all medical precedent, your body is making a high-pitched sound!? Personally it's offending me and everyone in this room.

Carmen: People like you are the reason why abortion is legal. You're so awful that the Supreme Court, the highest court in this country, has decided that people especially your own mother should have every legal and ethical right to preemptively murder you in order to make society better for generations to come. Unfortunately for society, your mother's abortion was botched, and here you are. No offense.

Philip: I hate you.

Carmen: I hate YOU.

Rayner: Excuse me.

Philip: Go to hell.

Carmen: No, YOU go to hell.

Rayner: [Slightly louder] Excuse me.

Philip: Suck my dick!

Carmen: No YOU such MY dick!

Rayner: [Interrupts quickly] You guys! STOP!!! Okay. Now. [Opens Bible, breathes in, and looks toward the audience] If there's ANY reason why these two should not be married...speak now or [pauses, closes eyes, and then bursts out] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU GUYS! You people are the whole institution of marriage has become a joke. The reason why love is dead and being raped by the devil. You've ruined MY day and the day of all your "gracious guests" here with your selfishness. So why don't you two be like Jack and Jill, run up the hill, and fetch a pail of shut-the-fuck-UP?

[Rayner stomps out of the room angrily.]

A bit of explantion

So I'm getting into the habit of writing things down before I forget about them. You don't know how many times, I come up with an idea that I want to write down in the dead of night and sleepily convince myself that I'll remember it the next day. So even though this little scene is far from being finished (needs to have better transitions, needs to set the scene better, and wording needs to be polished) I think it's better for me to write it down anyway. I need to get back to the habit of blogging.

There's a definite advantage of me posting these things online as opposed to other ways. Writing it down on paper not only takes a lot of hand muscle work (and thus wasted calories), but also forces me confront my objectively ugly handwriting. Plus, I tend to lose papers quite often. Saving it on a word document is not much better. There have been a few times where my computer completely goes horse shit, breaks down, and all my files are lost. I don't even have any word docs that older than two years. Xanga, on the other hand, still has blog entries of mine dating back to 2004. Entries that, quite frankly, I very embarrassed of. For the love of God, don't read them.

So hopefully if Xanga doesn't shutdown (oh God forbid), and that apocalypse doesn't happen which forces the few survivors left on Earth to blog by smearing poo on crumbled walls to make incomprehensible rants when they're not partaking in 12-hour long "repopulating the Earth" sessions...
I'll grow to become embarrassed by this entry too in the distant future.

Oh, about the scene. I need to talk about the scene!:
Basically, I just find it ironic that I find truely insulting words incredibly funny and yet I have a hard time saying anything bad about people myself. Even if it's behind their back. I'm just not a upfront, naturally, offending person. In real life at least. You wouldn't think that considering what I do on this blog which I use for the sole purpose of offending people.

I guess this scene is just my way of mentally unloading a lot of mean things that I think of without actually directing it to another person. The wedding aspect was added to make it into an actual sketch rather than just two people saying shit to each other without context. Should I be afraid that ultimately, this script is a reflection of me and how I think my future marriage will turn out? Ugh. I have a lot of passive-aggressive issues I need to sort out before I tell my future wife that she's the reason why abortion is legal.



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