Blood Donation (Submission
Draft)
Writer:
Marc Balderama
Director:
Cast:
Characters: Narrator, Burma, Licia, Receptionist, Rocky, “Director”
(Edwin), Director’s
Mom, Glaring Extras, Lead Singer
Setting:
A make-shift, blood donation facility.
Props: table, chair, bed or recliner,
2 clipboards, 2 pens, fake forms, fake cannula, tourniquet, collection
bag, lollipop, tape.
Set-up: Stage separated in three.
Burma scene in the center with Burma holding a clipboard. Receptionist
scene off to the side with table, clipboard, pen, and forms. Rocky scene
on the other side with bed, cannula, tourniquet, collection bag, and
the same forms from the Receptionist scene. All the while the Narrator,
the Director, and the Director’s Mom are off-stage with a micro-phone.
Notes: Licia is sarcastic and
tired emotionally. Burma is energetic and bubbly one moment and strong
and willful the next. Burma preferably should have a strong singing
voice. Receptionist and Rocky are “standardly” polite. Director
must have a distinctly different voice from the narrator. Narrator talks
stereotypically "white." Director's Mom has a bad, afflicted
Tagalog accent. I mean REALLY bad. Yes, the alternate ending is a musical
number.
Narrator: [Off-stage]
Hello everyone. I will be your narrator for today, and I would like
to narrate a story about my good friend Licia. It was 5PM when Licia
got off of class. Eager to go home, Licia suddenly heard...
Licia walks quickly past Burma.
Burma: Hey Licia!
While Licia walks slowly toward Burma,
the Narrator speaks.
Narrator: Burma
was one of those usual acquaintances to Licia. Burma seemed nice enough
to have a conversation with every now and again, yet simply not at all
Licia's type of person.
Licia: [Reluctantly]
Oh. Hey Burma. How's it going?
Burma: Nothin'
much. Just trying to find people to donate blood today. Would you like
to donate yourself?
Licia: Oooo. You
know what? I'd LOVE to, but I just remembered that today is Tuesday
a-and Tuuuuuseday is the day that I operate heavy machinery. Yeah. And
if I give blood, I won't be able to operate the...heavy machinery and
that will throw me out of the loop for the rest of the week. [Exhales]
Burma:
[Initially soft and then gradually gets angrier and louder] Oh? Umm...listen...
It’s just. It’s just that there are people out there who need blood.
People who have anemia. People who get stabbed. And there are LITTLE
BOYS AND LITTLE GIRLS in Africa who don't have their FREEDOMS! They
don't have it! And you're telling ME that you're content with doing
what every cliché, cookie-cutter, conformist, college student does
by operating HEAVY MACHINERY!?
Burma sings while pointing finger
while extras pass by and stares at Licia who stares back uncomfortably.
Burma:
You think you own whatever land you land on/The Earth is just a dead
thing you can claim/But I know every rock and tree and creature/Has
a life, has a spirit, has a name/Hoooow HIGH...
Licia: [Interrupts]
Ok, ok, ok. Ooookay. I'll do it.
Burma: Oh my God,
Licia, you are soooo sweet! [Hugs Licia then returns] You are doing
a great service by donating blood today. This is going to be so much
fun. Just make your way over there to start your journey!
Licia: [Sarcastically]
Awesome.
Licia walks over to the receptionist's
desk.
Narrator: From
this point on, Licia embarks her noble and majestic quest.
Receptionist:
Hello. Are you here to donate?
Licia looks over to Burma who does
a small wave at Licia.
Licia:
[Ironic] Yep. Can't wait.
Receptionist:
Great! Just go over there and fill out these forms. [Hands the clipboard
and pen over to Licia] And when you're done, just hand them back to
me. Oh, I'd like to say that you are doing a great service by donating
blood today.
Licia: Aren't I?
Licia walks over to the chair and
plops right down.
Narrator: At first
the questions seemed standard enough. Name. Address. Birthday. But then
the questions the form asked started sounds a bit funky. The form asked
things like...
Licia: [Reading
off from the clipboard] Have you traveled anywhere outside the United
States/Canada in the past 3 years?
Narrator: and.
Licia: Have you
engaged in sexual relations with a person with HIV/AIDS in the last
12 weeks?
Narrator: and
[slightly louder that the first "and"].
Licia: HAVE you
engaged in sexual relations with a homosexual man after 1977?
Narrator: and
it went on like that, exactly like that for five pages. [Licia flips
through the papers]
Licia looks to the receptionist with
disdain. The receptionist looks busy and complacent.
Then gets up from the chair while exhaling.
She walks to the Receptionist's desk and tosses the clipboard at the
receptionist.
Licia: [Annoyed]
I get what you guys are doing. Okay, I admit it. I'm a virgin. Will
MY being a virgin “speed” up the process? [Does the wheels turning
gesture with fingers]
Receptionist:
[Pauses] Uhhh... [Looks and shuffles forms on desk nervously] Yes. Yes
it does. [Surprised]
Licia: Cool. So
what now?
Receptionist points toward Rocky with
a shaking hand.
Rocky: [Warmly]
Hello.
Licia: [Unenthusiastically]
Sup?
Rocky: So your
name is Licia?
Licia: Apparently.
Rocky: Well, I'd
like to say that you are doing a great service by...
Licia: [Interrupts]
Yeah, yeah. Let's…be done with this. All rite?
Rocky: Super.
[Gestures to bed]
Licia: Here?
Licia
lies down while rocky puts in the needle in Licia's arm.
While Licia gets her blood drawn,
“the director” starts talking. Eventually Rocky, the only person
who can hear the director, makes surprised and angry faces as if he's
breaking character and reacting to the director's comments.
Director: [Off-stage]
Hello. Welcome to the DVD commentary of this play. I’m the director
of this piece crap. Couldn’t actually get this damn thing on an actual
DVD. You'd think that with all these pretentious college kids with their
fancy pants laptops at least one would be willing to help me by burning
this on a DVD. But no.
So "sorry"
for being so late about this whole commentary thing. I would have started
talking earlier, but honestly...who listens these director commentaries
anyway? Drr, Nerds.
Already I'm already running
out things to talk about. Ugh. Guess I'll talk about the actors which
I CAST MYSELF. Thanks "a lot" [Insert FILAH member name].
There's Licia who’s
being played by _____. Now I know that _____ doesn’t look bloated,
but I specifically wanted to cast an actress who really gave off the
vibe of constantly BEING bloated.
And the nurse! The VERY
male nurse. Rocky. Played by _____. Again, the image was everything.
And for a male nurse, ____ had this image. There's something about his
full and effeminate lips that just screams out “male nurse.” I mean,
come on. If I saw _____ randomly on the street, the very first thing
I would think is that this is a person that gave up his dream to be
a doctor because it was "oh so hard" and is willing, nay,
wanting to be stripped of his masculinity and dignity to be in an occupational
field that is commonly thought to be filled predominantly by over-lactating
spinsters. THAT’S what this guy looks like.
Rocky: HEY!!!
Licia: What?
Rocky: Did you
hear that? [Rocky breaks the 4th wall, walks to toward the audience,
and talks to them] Did ya’ll hear that?
In the background, Licia looks at
the audience as well and gestures "no." After the audience
presumably says no, Rocky and Licia
go back.
Narrator: Trying
not to focus on her arm, Licia started wondering about the person who
will receive her blood.
Director: Hey,
hey, wait. Who’re you?
Narrator: Uhh.
I am the narrator. Who are YOU?
Director: I'm
the DI-REC-TOR. Have you NOT been listening to my little schpeal just
then?
Narrator: Actually...no.
I-I...don't really listen. I mainly talk. We narrators, we tend to...TALK.
Few seconds of silence.
Director's Mom:
Hoy, Edwin! Shhht! Your Lola's here. Come here and bless your Lola.
Narrator: Now,
who is that!?
Director: It's
my mom. [Starts yelling] Jesus, mom! I'm doing a director's commentary
here. I'm doing art. Do you know what ART is? YOU are effectively RUINING
art!
Director's Mom:
[Light crying] Why, why do you always yell at me!? I take care ob you,
always. I pay por your classes and wash your dirty clothes and you are
not tankpul por dese tings. [Ten seconds of crying] Eat now, dere's
adobo in de kitchen.
Director: Agggggh,
dammit. I should probably go. Hey you. Wanna come?
Narrator: Sure!
Anything for A-dough-bough. Just give me a second. [Clears throat] And
then Licia was done with her effervescent donation.
Rocky takes out the needle and starts
organizing everything.
Rocky: Finally.
Now, that didn't hurt so much, now did it?
Licia: [Getting
up and looking delirious] You know. Whenever someone sticks a needle
in me and then removes it, they always, always ask [mockingly but not
over the top] "Now, that didn't hurt so much, now did it?"
To which I always reply "Yes! Yes it did hurt so much." Don't
you realize that all those people who've said "no" had the
common courtesy to LIE to you, but were as equally annoyed as I an right
now!? When you stick a sharp things into peoples’ skin, it hurts.
We are biologically disposed to not want things violently penetrated
into our bodies. Especially, us women. So please do me, the other donors,
and the entire world a favor and stop asking that God-awful question.
Stop it right NOW!
Licia starts walking away.
Rocky: [Sullen]
So, I guess you won't be wanting your free lollipop then? [Holding up
lollipop]
Licia turns around. Pauses. Then slightly
leans towards Rocky with hand forward then quickly turns back away,
saying.
Licia: [Mutters
to herself] Ah, fuck you, you lactating spinster.
Rocky: Oh what
was that?
Licia: I said
"Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey."
Licia walks away again.
Optional
Alternate Ending:
Rocky: Hey, I
didn’t know you were into that song. Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey.
Licia pauses.
Licia: [Looks
surprised and delighted] Heey yeyay heeeeeeeey.
Rocky: Heey yeyay
heeeeeeeey.
Licia and Rocky:
[In unison] It was a blood bath!
“Blood Banks are Run by
Bureaucratic Vampires”
In the style of 80s funk songs ala
The Gap Band or The Bar-kays.
Whole cast joins in
Hey yeah yeah hey!
It was blood bath
Hey yeah yeah hey!
Lead singer with gaudy, tacky performance
clothes joins in
They’re a v’ry peculiar
sort I’m glad t’say
They spend each waking
night to look for prey
These people just don’t
like hot gals or guys
What really turns 'em
on is blood in their eyes!
So watch out they’re
comin’ for your arteries
All that liquid pouring
out just fills them with glee
The only known full proof
way to keep ‘em away
Is to donate 3 pints
of blood ever-ry-day!
It was a blood bath
Hey yeah yeah hey!
It was blood bath
Hey yeah yeah hey!
A vampire's wet dream
It was a blood bath
